I'm Still Me

by Heather
(NL)

I had a few serious relationships over the years and I have always been up to date with my checkups making sure that I hadn't contracted anything when having a new partner. However, regardless of the total number of sex partners, I feel anything but "promiscuous".

This past year was a real doozey on me. I was diagnosed earlier this year with HPV, which I just rolled off my shoulders and let it slide. It slowed me down for sure but it kept me on track as I was open about it and told my friends. I really focused on school, with almost finishing college and this year’s GPA would mean a lot. I refrained from sex.

I recently started dating my mom’s best friend’s son. I had been interested in him for a few weeks and he's what most would consider the cliché "boyfriend material". So somehow I managed to get a few dates with him and we eventually had sex. And with my ignorance on contracting anything besides what I had and with me knowing him as well as what I thought I did, I wasn't in harm’s way. I should clarify now that I told him of my HPV and he was unconcerned and convinced once I told him of the high percentage of people who have it that he probably has it as well.

The moral of this story as well as why anyone is reading this is:

NEVER HAVE SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM! AND ALWAYS ASK ABOUT THEIR SEX HISTORY!

I couldn't use the bathroom because urinating burned my insides. I was in agony and wiping was practically unbearable. I went to my family doctor who didn't think much of it. She thought where I was sexually inactive for a little while and I had torn in 4 places from "friction", as she described them as linear tears to get into detail.

I got the standard call, “Your results are in and you have to come in.”

The day before I was reading up on tears from sex on the internet, and someone said that it was how they had gotten diagnosed with herpes. And I thought to myself with my luck I got that.

When I got to the doctor’s office it was if she didn't waste time, "That sample I took from you last week is herpes, you have type 2 HSV, a lot of people have it... ". She continued talking but I didn't hear one word.

I swore in the doctor’s office, and told her she was joking. I didn't let her finish and just said I need to get out of there.

She was sweet and said I understand, and I just walked out.

I got in my car and drove home. I screamed, cried, and yelled and was so angry. I got home and showered because of how dirty I felt, I didn't want to touch myself. I called in sick for work and called my friend who is no longer in the province and through my tears she was able to understand what I was sobbing about: Herpes. She was supportive and sent me a bunch of web articles, other people’s stories and just information. I cried all that day, I told the guy who had given it to me and he drove to my house and stayed with me that night. He didn't leave my side and was supportive, he felt like crap because he didn't know, he has zero symptoms.

The next day I went to work, being an intern I want to make a good impression. I looked terrible, which just made my story of having the stomach flu the day before believable, I somehow managed to hold it together besides on my breaks when the tears gushed out.

I went to my parents house after work, my usual Friday routine and I cried the whole way there so I got it all out of my system, luckily I was driving by myself so I was able to think, it’s a couple hours drive. That night was a family gathering and before I went to meet up with my family I looked at myself in the mirror as I re-applied my makeup.

I spoke out loud and said "I have Herpes, I have Herpes" and I really looked at myself. It felt good to hear myself say it; I somehow managed to forget about it and had an amazing night with my family. We drank a few beers; we laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.

I haven't told anyone besides my friend and the guy who gave it to me. I don't feel like I need to tell anyone else because I don't feel like I can trust them. Herpes is Herpes and people will judge you on that basis.

I feel blessed that I have a close family and lots of friends who I enjoy spending time with, I just decided that I am not going to let this bring me down. I am still me. I read an article and someone said something that really made my perspective change “Herpes didn't choose me, or come looking for me, it just happened to me." I don't know why but it made me feel better, hopefully it'll make you feel better too.

I did a lot of research on what herpes is, the effect it will have on my life and whatever other information I can gather. I'm starting to change my eating habits and my exercise routine, summer has just begun so I'm really going to get proactive and hopefully prevent outbreaks.

I'm keeping the same outlook I had on myself before hand, I'm a strong believer of everything happens for a reason. God led me down this path because I have lessons to be learned here and eventually I'll meet someone who can look past this.

I'm a 20 year old who has herpes; just another 1 out of 5.

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