I Just Found Out Today

by Taylor
(Denver, Colorado)

Only one week ago I had sex with another man, not my boyfriend. He is in jail right now and I can't really believe I let myself do that, but I sure am paying the consequences. Its crazy how one little mistake can change your life so drastically. I feel like killing that guy who gave it to me, but then again maybe he doesn't know? Or maybe I've had this for much longer and never showed symptoms. Who knows, anything is possible.

The only thing that matters now is how I deal with it; which is kind of hard since every time I even think of it I feel sick and just start crying. How am I going to tell the only man I've ever loved?

Not just that I cheated after everything I said to convince him I wouldn't, but that also caught something that will never leave my body. I feel sick, ashamed and terrified. I've never felt this way before in my life; I never thought I would run into something like this.

I feel this is God’s punishment for doing what I did. I hope more than anything one day I can be forgiven. This is just not like me, and I wish I knew what came over me, what was I thinking?

Even though I stopped in the middle and said I couldn't do it anymore I still started and I still got infected, at least I think I did by him. I feel disgusting and I have never felt a pain like this. I can’t pee, I can't even go to the bathroom the pain is unbearable like I never imagined. It's crazy that 1 in every 6 people has this too, that is hard to believe.

From what I read it says the first outbreak is the most painful. Well I sure hope so because I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain. I really feel like this is a fair punishment but it doesn't take away the embarrassment and how ashamed I am.

I don't want to hurt the one person I can't live without. He's my best friend and I know he will understand from that view but as a boyfriend I can already feel his pain and it is driving me so crazy. He is going to think of me as if I'm just another hoe, even though I know I'm not after what I did that's pretty much all that's going to show of me.

I don’t want to lose the love of my life. I know it's not right but I forgive him or what he's done more now than I ever thought I could. I feel completely past it and maybe it's because I understand. I thought he didn't love me when he cheated but I know now that he did web though he did that. And I love him more and more everyday what I did didn't change that a bit but I'm scared it will for him.

I know I've got to be strong and pull through this like the millions of others that are infected with is. I know now that I can't cheat on my man, but why did it take this for me to really know? Maybe because he cheated on me and when I put myself in that situation I didn't feel AS wrong, all I remember is thinking of my man, then thinking how wrong it was then how he did it to me how much it hurt me that he was able to come right home afterwards and be able to kiss me and lie to me and not show any guilt and actually hit up the girl again for more.

Calling her what he’s suppose to only call me.. that really is all I thought and when I realized I was not being myself and not standing up for myself I stopped. I wish I never let it get that far, how could I? I am so much better than that and I know it.

I can't blame it on anyone but myself I let it happen and I'm paying for it.. I wish I could go back in time but I can't and I really need to start thinking realistically like how I am going to deal with it and not let it hold me back. That’s the worst I could do in this situation.

After reading so much about it I know a few steps I can take. For one no more drinking, smoking cigarettes or weed (only sometimes) I need to get into shape whatever I can do to get some exercise in I will do (not sex). Also I really need to start eating right, a lot more fruits and veggies! I know I can overcome this, I just hope to have the love of my life by my side.

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