Do Your Thing and I'll Do Mine

by Bernardo
(CA, USA)

I'm not much of a writer, but I have a few things to express about my experiences with the virus.

I tested positive for HSV2 about seven years ago right after I'd developed symptoms of something like flu but with swelling and a rash which was very painful. I asked the doctor if it could have been missed in a previous blood test done about 3 years before that. He said it was not likely that I could have been carrying it for such a period and have my first outbreak unless I was weakened by sickness or stress.

I was in very good health otherwise so that got me listening. He said that the more probable explanation was that if I'd only had contact with my partner during the last 3 years including within the last month or few weeks prior, I got it from them.

I tried to engage my partner in a conversation about this serious health issue but could not. My calls were going right to voice mail. She was not at her office. I checked with family and they were as concerned as I was. I called her friends and some said they'd seen her around but that she'd been aloof so I told them to tell her I needed to have a word and that I wouldn't make a fuss. Tension grew quickly though as I'd been contacted numerous times in the following days by the soon to be ex-employer of my soon-to-be-x-SO regarding her whereabouts.

During that period of absence, I'd been taking care of her young daughter which wasn't a big deal but that poor little girl was smart enough to see through my stories and she could tell I wasn't being completely straight forward about where her mom was or when her mom was coming home.

I grew intensely suspicious of the choice of words used by one of her more long-time acquaintances when she said that she was sorry to have heard that things weren't going well between us. I said it was news to me but I'd get used to it and I told her that if she'd been in contact to let her know immediately that her daughter is staying with her very anxious but able grandmother and that she needs to see a doctor.

But here's where it gets great: it turns out she WAS seeing.. a doctor! (not quite really, but a med student in residency). I walked in on them in my house. I asked him to leave. I asked her for a word. He got a little bit rough and tumbled and wound up with a broken leg before I tossed him into my car and drove off, having discussion with him instead.

I asked him about ethics and I asked him if he actually believed whether I was going to take him to a hospital as I sped down the freeway. I just wanted him to answer the question honestly and brought him to a place where he could receive medical treatment.

I returned home to address things with so and so. I asked whether she knew that she was infected. She said she was aware. I asked her to consider getting some professional counselling for her behavior. I asked her to take over the lease or get lost but for the sake of the little girl, I caved in and I packed and I left.

It's been a struggle trying to part ways with wanting companionship but I'm also quite content not making myself vulnerable to such antics again. I was completely shocked by the sudden, outlandish disregard for the well being of herself and others which I can only guess was some sort of drug problem. I don't know honestly. I left and never looked back. There were never issues about Mr. Medicine and his broken leg.

With the exception of this virus, all that's behind me now and it would betray my sensibilities to expose anyone else to it. I've had several outbreaks since, less and less over time but all very painful and lingering. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I used to dwell things like whether or not celibacy is the most appropriate behavior to adopt or question things like whether I've possibly become too distant or detached emotionally to connect through intimacy at all.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter to anyone else. I'm not hurting anyone by keeping to myself and I've learned not to ruminate about such nonsense. I just go about my business and that's my business.

At some point, I realized it would really suck to meet someone who's attracted to lonely people burdened with irreconcilable emotional pain. Not long after that, I realized I'm fine and I don't care about any of that stuff that happened. It's over with.

I am as passionate as ever about many pursuits both professionally and personally. I'm much focused and I'm taking care of business. I might hang up my hat but I will not surrender.

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